25 (new) random photos and the reasons I took them…

Apparently I have an eye for the WTF type things in life. I don’t know if it’s because I find them or if they seem to find me, but either way I love to point and laugh a little longer than I probably should. Thanks to the camera phone, I can point, laugh, and share.  And so, without further ado, here is the 4th installment in the 25 random photos and the reasons I took them series…

…because this is the one and only time that I wished I had brought a kid with me to the grocery store.

…because this invisible fork tine is somewhere in my salad.

…because there’s an actual baby somewhere in the beanies.

…because I’m a brunette so I wasn’t offended by this corn maze joke…until I got lost.

…because catmouflage, times two.

…because I couldn’t let a good Holiday decor opportunity go to waste. Eat your heart out, Pinterest.

…because even Olaf would agree that these Michigan winters seem so long.

…because what are these gloves actually made of? I guess I’ll never know because there’s no way I’m Googling Rubbit Fur.

…because according to the label it’s rabbit, but exactly what part? Or maybe this is the elusive rubbit. I’m still not Googling it.

…because Pickup Sticks: Spaghetti Edition.

…because sometimes I make questionable choices when I’m drinking.

…because Mertart, pastry of the sea.

…because there is no way I’d ever let this guy tickle my innards.

…because this is literally a blowout.

…because I wrote in Captain Morgan for president.

…because my 6 year-old drew this somewhat accurate representation of an (apparently, three-legged) stick man doing a back-bend.

…because our snowman somewhat accurately reenacted the 6 year-old’s representation of a stick man back-bend (minus the three legs).

…because even with a YouTube tutorial, this puzzle toy is like a Taylor Swift song. Never, ever going back together.

…because I made these two guys in the same week. Gotta love Michigan.

…because I can’t clean without coffee first, but I can’t coffee without cleaning first.

…because I missed my kids when they went away overnight, so I made new ones. It’s like they never even left now.

…because “What, Mom? It is called a cup holder.”

…because they fell asleep on the way to and on the way home from a birthday party.

…because I was asked to babysit for my 6 year-old during her brother’s ballgame so she could run the streets with her friends.

And finally…because Michigan: Love it or leave it.

This concludes your 4th installment of 25 random photos and the reasons I took them, but don’t you worry, I’ll never stop questioning the WTF things in life. You’re welcome.

Another 25 random photos and the reasons I took them…

About a week ago, I opened my Facebook App instead of starting my daily chores and I was greeted with this friendly little message. Guess what it reminded me of?

Give up?

I thought it was time for another installment of 25 Random Photos…and the reasons I took them.

 

 

 

…because the Chia Pet life cycle is: seeding, sprouting, molding, balding

…because apparently smoking in the center aisle at Walmart is common.

…because chicken is not meat.

…because pushing my luck is about to become pushing my truck.

…because this is the camel version of spooning. It’s called shading.

…because my OCD would never allow me to purchase this pack of crackers.

…because I can’t believe I’m mad about bonus chips.

…because I’m tired of reminding you to bring your lunchbox home. Every. Damn. Day.

…because it should be called Mostly Corn Mixed With A Few Vegetables.

…because iCat

…because after 4 hours of stringing this mother up, I was about ready to tip it over when I realized I couldn’t even plug it in.

…because I must drink the Pringles crumbs. It’s like a bad habit.

…because this even exists. (And also, why would anyone want to combine house chores with laying around the house all day?)

…because my 5 year old took me so literally when I told her to lay out her clothes for the next day.

…because after I sprinkled the entire house with carpet fresh, I broke the belt on the vacuum cleaner on the first swipe.

…because when I saw this, I was thinking that the only way I would even set foot on that dock is with an open alcoholic beverage in hand.

…because my child left me this very subtle hint.

…because Hello Kitty pajamas are the perfect camouflage in her bedroom.

…because I traveled 12 miles before I noticed that the neighbor’s dog was sitting in my backseat.

…because I doubt that the porcupine won this battle.

…because this seems totally legit.

…because of this rotting frog carcass sculpture at the Putt-Putt golf course.

…because one little letter changed the nationality of these hoops.

…because I made lemonade out of lemons, or whatever.

…and finally, because according to this coloring book, Unicorns are Jerks!

Apparently these random photos are becoming my thing, because whenever I see something out there in the real world that makes me think WTF? I absolutely must take a picture. I guess I’m just curious like that.

Parent’s Night Out

Any time anyone in this house gets hungry, it is my problem. Big people, little people, furry people, random neighborhood children that I didn’t even know were here; they all come and whine at me when they are starrrving.

That is why, when the weekend (finally) rolls around, I like to go out to eat at a restaurant. It always seems like a great escape to me. I won’t have to figure out what each person doesn’t like today and avoid making that. I won’t have to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the 4^th time this week. I won’t have to get offended when someone mentions the “black part” and how they won’t eat that piece because they don’t like burnt stuff. And best of all, I don’t have to clean it all up afterwards.

Well, this weekend Grammie came to visit us and she offered to feed the other humans in the house so that Daddy and I could go out to a restaurant alone. ALONE!! (The furballs were still my problem, but at least they eat the food that you put on their plate after they whined at you the whole time you were preparing it.)

I accepted her offer and met my husband in the driveway before he even shut off his truck. He had just pulled in form work and didn’t know what the hell was going on but I jumped in the passenger seat screaming “Go! Go! Go!” like I just robbed a 7-Eleven and told him I’d explain on the way. I let him slide sideways around a few corners and get a good two blocks away before I told him he could slow down and that it wasn’t really necessary to go full-on episode of COPS. Sorry for the false alarm babe, but wasn’t that a rush?! Now I’m hungry.

We slid around a few more corners just for fun and tried to decide where to eat. Nowhere that you have to unwrap your food before you eat it. Nowhere that has their menu posted on the wall. Somewhere that serves beer. Decision made: beer and pizza. Pizza with actual toppings on it – vegetables, even. And meat that is not preformed into dinosaur shapes. This was going to be the most adult dinner ever!

When the waitress asked what we wanted to drink, I was so excited to order a beer without the word root in front of it that I sort of jumped and squealed a little bit. With a straight face, I quickly added an ice water to my order to calm my giddy self back down.

She set the drinks down and walked away and as I picked up the menu I thought to myself how nice it was to be able to focus on what I was doing without two straw wrappers whizzing by my face. And then I took a direct hit to the cheek. My husband can be such an ass sometimes! But it was nice to have a chance to catch up just the two of us…with the Facebook app on our own smartphones, that is. And since we have been together for longer than social media has even existed, we have only common friends.

“Hey, did you see that so-and-so got engaged?”

“Uhh, yeah. Saw that yesterday. And what’s-his-name got a puppy.”

“Yup, saw that. It looks cute.”

So after the most boooring round of current events, we ordered our fully-loaded, grown-up pizza and that was all. No $5 each kids meals that would go half eaten, no cheese sticks, no condiment cup full of pickle slices as an appetizer, just one totally adult pizza. And when it came, I didn’t have to cut someone else’s piece into 1,000 bite-sized squares before my own slice got cold first. I actually burnt my tongue on hot pizza, but that was okay because “Mmm…HOT PIZZA!”

The waitress came by to check up on us and asked if we needed anything else. Out of habit, I almost asked for more ranch instead another beer. That was a close one. We’re drinking tonight, not dipping…which also shattered my dreams of not using a public toilet for once.

When the check came I was curious to see how much we saved on the unfinished kids’ meals, two Sprites and the extra dip that I forgot beer actually costs money at a restaurant and it doesn’t come from a bottomless fridge in the garage. Broke even there, dang it.

As we headed for home we realized that it was only 7:30 pm and the kids were not even in bed yet. We had a sitter. We couldn’t go home while they were still awake! But where do we go? We’re too old to go to a hangout joint, so I thought about who else I knew that was confined to their own home due to having children. When my friend answered my call, I asked if the kids were in bed yet and if there was beer in their garage fridge. Yes and yes! And we all stayed up until 11:30 pm! And then I had a headache the whole next day until dinnertime that night…where I sat at the kids’ table.

If you liked this story, It was almost as satisfying as my (SOLO!!) trip to the grocery store!

25 (more) random photos and the reasons I took them…

A few weeks ago I posted 25 random photos that I took from my camera phone. Afterwards, I got to thinking that I have been taking random photos since long before I had a camera phone. So that (and the strong desire to screw around on the computer longer to avoid folding laundry) prompted me to search the entire contents of my old Facebook photo albums. So here they are, in no particular order, 25 of the most random pictures on my Facebook profile and the reasons I took them…

…because this goat seems to be defeating the sanitary purpose here, and also because I feel like he probably needs a 12 step program

…because my toddler insisted that his baby sister should leave Santa’s milk in the bottle. I know he’s likes the Ho Ho Ho’s and all, but I doubt he’s into breastmilk.

…because “Just go to the Dam Store and get me some liquor!”

…because if God is your pilot, then please, Jesus take the wheel.

…because this is how my kid eats a doughnut (and then insists that he’s full).

…because when I asked my kindergartener why he didn’t draw the dish and spoon at Darth Vader’s house, he replied “Because Darth Vader lives at the Death Star and Luke Skywalker blew it up. There is nothing to draw.” Seems logical.

…because I was amazed that this thing even clocked me on my bike, but also I thought 8 mph was pretty good for having 2 kids in a towable trailer.

…because some bees turned my deer into a cow.

…because “Happy New Cow Day!”

…because this seems totally legit.

…because CSI: Snowman.

…because what is the name of this game my dog is playing? Hoard and Sleep?

…because I think there should be a CarFax for purchasing used Power Wheels just in case the previous owner is a liar liar pants on fire.

…because why do people always assume their waitress needs to find Jesus?

…because the sideways Pringles drive me bat-shit crazy!

…because wouldn’t that be a hemorrhoid?

…because this is the a very creative way for a 1st grader to guarantee a Cheetos score.

…because “What are you trying to say, Facebook?”

…because tater-tini!

…because Nickelodeon played ONLY THIS SCREEN all day long on a crappy, rainy day.

…because I multi-purposed a cake when Dad’s birthday fell on Mother’s Day.

…because I was very impressed with my own placemat art during our wait.

…because “Stupid phone!”

…because kegloo.

…and finally, because my sprinkler jumped the track and crashed into the well.

25 random photos and the reasons I took them…

I am so glad that camera phones weren’t invented when I was in high school (like, you have no idea), but I absolutely love the fact that nowadays I have the ability to take a picture whenever I feel the need. So here, in no particular order, are 25 of the most random pictures on my camera phone and the reasons I took them…

…because from where I’m standing, this sign is a little offensive.

…because I left my beer in the freezer for the perfect amount of time.

…because I found a frog behind the book case.

…because this is what $150 translates to in ticket form.

…and then again in prize form. Totally worth it.

…because my son made a PIT shop to do tune-ups on the race cat.

…because we don’t cancel school for snow days up here in the north, we just take an alternate route.

…because cat-in-the-box. But don’t you think $29.99 is a bit steep?

…because my toast would rather jump to its death than join me for breakfast.

…because after 2 hours of scrubbing, my give-a-damn busted.

…because every to-go beverage my kids ever had was an “other diet root beer cola”.

…because Barbie took the polar plunge. (And just like Barbie, I would have to consume massive amounts of hard liquor first.)

…because this was the longest 15 minutes of my life.

…because you are so friggin’ helpful, kid.

…because my toddler fit in the appliance garage.

…because this is how my husband treats me when I piss him off on a road trip.

…because my son thought that my phone number was “Samsung Galaxy”.

…because I couldn’t believe I was sitting right behind Justin Verlander at my first Tiger’s game!

…because someone put my dog in time-out.

…because I suck at making grilled cheese.

…because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but palm trees are not accustomed to Michigan winters.

…because my son drew this re-enactment of the amount of snow thrown in his face while sledding behind the quad.

…because I wanted to heat an unheated room, so I channeled my inner MacGuyver.

…because screw you, Barbie Dreamhouse!

…because “What the hell, Walmart? I really needed milk.”

Because when it comes to bare feet, Legos ain’t got nothing on these bastards.

Not Me

Whoever this “Not Me” kid is, they are never allowed to set foot in my house again. It seems like every time something has been destroyed, disorganized, or disassembled, that naughty little hooligan, Not Me, is at fault.

As the mother of this house, it is my job to get to the bottom of all of the shenanigans. I have been feeling kind of guilty lately because when seeking the responsible party, I always look towards my children first. And now, looking back, I realize that they were innocent every time and that it has been Not Me all along. Sorry kids, I guess I owe you both an apology. Apparently there is a fifth family member that I have never had the pleasure of meeting (or of wiping their butt, smelling their farts, or wearing any of their bodily fluids – come to think of it…maybe I do like this Not Me after all).

In no particular order, here are a few of the things that Not Me has done, most of them just this week:

• Farted
• Left the toilet bowl unflushed with the lid up
• Smeared toothpaste on the bathroom mirror
• Splashed bath water all over the bathroom rug
• Flushed the toilet while I was in the shower
• Tipped over all of the folded laundry
• Left peanut butter fingerprints on the iPad
• Took approximately 1,000 selfies of the toddler with my phone
• Broke a lamp
• Drew on the wall
• Colored on BOTH of my kids
• Put SpongeBob stickers on my bedroom door
• Thought the cat needed to wear lipgloss
• Left cat hairs in my lipgloss
• Backwashed Goldfish crackers into my glass of Diet Coke
• Fed their dinner to the dog
• Fed Cheez-its to the fish
• Ate a Pop Tart in my bed
• Left the front door wide open
• Left a trail of muddy size 1 footprints through the kitchen
• Stepped in dog poop
• Wiped a booger on the wall
• Left Matchbox cars inside Dad’s work boots
• Readjusted all of the car mirrors while I was pumping gas
• Honked the car horn at me while I was pumping gas
• Ran over my heels with the shopping cart
• Wrote one of my kids’ names in the dirt on the door of a car parked next to us
• Made this mess…

Who made this mess?
Not Me!

I also suspect that little rascal ate Nutella straight from the jar, but then again…maybe that was me.

Hmmm…Now that I think a little more about it, I might keep Not Me around a little while longer. I could probably get some use out of him, too. Like, he just might develop an online shoe shopping addiction or accidentally sneak a few wine bottles into my shopping cart when I’m not looking. Who got drunk in the daytime? Not Me!

My take on skinny jeans

I know I’m a little late to the party (like maybe a few years), but I bought my first pair of ‘skinny jeans’ last week.

Actually, I was pretty much forced to because my very last pair of boot cuts finally bit the dust and I was down to only yoga pants; not that that’s a bad thing, but sometimes you need to be seen in public without someone mentioning how comfortable you look. It got me thinking that maybe comfort isn’t in anymore (looking back, it probably never really was) and maybe I should get with the times a little more. Or at least try, anyway.

Now, it’s been close to 10 years since I have been shopping for jeans. I know, I know. But the one pair I had left and the multitude of yoga pants has been sufficient until now. So my adventure begins with deciding which department to even search in. I had always shopped in juniors before, but then again, at that time I WAS a junior. Now I’m a thirty-something mother of two. But my old juniors still fit, minus the finally turning to dust part, so maybe nothing’s changed. And I didn’t feel like I was ready to go full-on mom jeans just yet.

I had always been a flair leg or boot cut girl. Yeah, they don’t make ‘em like that anymore. I was either getting in on the new trend, or I was buying a bedazzler and sprucing up the old yoga pants instead. Turns out, it’s just as hard to find a bedazzler nowadays.

So, back at the rack I estimated my current size by doing the whole hold-the-hanger-like-a-belt thing and then grabbed a size up anyway to avoid the inevitable internal shame. It probably sounded like a WWF cage match was going down inside that fitting room, but here’s my take on the skinnys…

1. How in the Sam Hell do you get these things over your ankle?
2. Apparently I have to sit down??
3. Do people seriously have time to pull their pants on segment by segment like you have to do with tights? (Whoops, juniors term again. I meant nylons.) Five minutes into the effort and I am only halfway up each leg and totally out of breath. I could pull the old bells on in less than three seconds, standing up.
4. Why in the world are they called skinny jeans? They should be called lumpy jeans.
5. My feet are frigging huge.
6. These shoes are nasty! I have never had to put any thought into my footwear before – you could only see the toes, if that.
7. Ankle boots are never going to work with these things. I feel like since I have a chest size below average even for the juniors department, all the crumbs I drop would always end up in my boots. Get home and a Tic-Tac, three Cheetos and a Tylenol fall out on the mud room floor.
8. I would actually have to choose a coordinating sock color each day. And buy colored socks first. A whole new sock wardrobe doesn’t exactly sound like money well spent.
9. Aside from the whole skinny leg/ flare leg debate, bell bottoms were also called hip huggers. For some reason, skinny jeans come all the way up to your belly button, slicing your muffin top into something more like a bagel. I hope to god they never invent skinny shirts.
10. And finally, how the hell do you get these things off? I either need longer arms, shorter legs or a teammate.

But despite all the obstacles standing in my way, I was determined to leave the store with new jeans. Mostly because after all that, there was no way I was leaving empty handed. So I bought my first pair of skinny jeans…and buried them in my closet under all those yoga pants. I’ll wear them as soon as I go shopping for new shoes, socks and shirts. That can’t be nearly as exhausting…can it?

The (whole) truth

 

 

Sometimes there’s more to the story than what is told. There is a reason for that. And that reason is that the whole truth tends to make me appear piggish and lazy. Lucky for me, I know how to tell a story. Or part of one, anyway.

 

The truth: I just ate a bowl of cereal.

The whole truth: I just ate a bowl of cereal…by the handful…out of the box.

The truth: I did six loads of laundry today.

The whole truth: I washed and dried six loads of laundry today…and then left them in laundry baskets…and will probably never fold them.

The truth: I mopped the bathroom floor today.

The whole truth: I mopped the bathroom floor today…using the water that my kids splashed out of the tub…and their pile of dirty clothes.

The truth: I lost two pounds this week.

The whole truth: I lost two pounds this week…when I shaved my legs.

The truth: I only had one cup of coffee this morning.

The whole truth: I only had one cup of coffee this morning…because I switched to wine around 10:00 am.

The truth: I have an amazing dieting willpower.

The whole truth: I have an amazing dieting willpower…right now…because I’m full.

The truth: While I made dinner, I snacked on a few potato chips.

The whole truth: While I made dinner, I snacked on a few (handfuls of) potato chips…with my head in the fridge…while crinkling the lettuce bag…so I wouldn’t be caught and have to share.

The truth: I went for a run today.

The whole truth: I went for a run today…from aisle 3 to the restrooms all the way back by layaway.

The truth: I swept the floors today.

The whole truth: I swept the floors today…by putting fuzzy socks on my kids…and playing a game of strategic fetch with them.

The truth: I made cookies today and I haven’t eaten a single one yet.

The whole truth: I made cookies today and I haven’t eaten a single one yet…unless you count raw dough…then I ate about six so far.

The truth: We ran out of Pringles today, so I bought a new can.

The whole truth: We ran out of Pringles today, so I bought a new can…not in that order though.

The truth: I did five hours of spring cleaning today.

The whole truth: I did five hours of spring cleaning today…by emptying out our storage space…on the DVR.

And now you know The Rest of the Story…and it kind of makes me look bad. So the next time I tell you what I’ve been up to and you think I’m all accomplished and shit, don’t ask for the details. Just know that there are more. And they aren’t pretty.

Actual arguments my kids have had…

* * * PHOTO WAS STAGED * * *
I’m not really that mean. I mostly just yell.

When you become a parent, you have to stand your ground in some of the most absurd arguments. As I have blogged before, kids make you say the darndest things. But they also make you defend yourself and debate topics that you thought you would never ever have to choose a side on, such as…

• Tights are not pants.
• Because underwear is just mandatory. I don’t really know why.
• No, there is not an alligator in your bed. Go back to sleep.
• A cape will not give you the ability to fly. Prove me wrong if you must, just don’t break a leg or wake the baby.
• “Mom, the dog won’t let me brush her teeth.”
• Boy: Mom, the dog just pooped right where I was going to play. Mom: Ugh, where were you going to play. Boy: Out in her pen.

And when you become a parent for the second time, you also become a referee. You find yourself having to come up with solutions to some of the most unbelievable things that you thought you would never have to mediate, such as…

• The girl was mad because her brother had a bigger booger than her. One of the main points supporting her argument was that “He always gets the huge boogers that shoot out and all I ever get is just plain snot. It’s no fair!”
• The girl screams “Moooom! He hit me back!” and when I give them both a time out she asks what she is there for. And then whines, “He got the better corner!” while in time out.
• “Mom, he said he would be my best friend if I gave him my fruit snacks, but he is not being my best friend. He is just sitting there eating all my fruit snacks.”
• Girl: Mom, he tried to explode me when you were in the shower. Mom: Boy, what did you do to your sister? Boy: Nothing. I just sneaked some candy and I didn’t want her to tattle on me so I shared it with her. I didn’t know it would blow her up! Mom: Show me…NOW! Boy: *pulls a Pop Rocks wrapper out of the trash can*

On the plus side though, I never get accused by one kid of taking the others side. I just have to try not to laugh out loud while holding my own.

 

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